If you’re feeling torn about whether to stay in a marriage for your kids, it’s worth taking a moment to reflect on this: spouses can come and go, but the emotional well-being of your children is irreplaceable. In today’s world, it seems almost taboo to stay married “just for the children.” How did we arrive at this point where prioritizing our kids is seen as a lesser goal? Dr. Anita Gadhia-Smith, a respected psychotherapist who offers insights to the United States Congress, suggests that we need to reconsider our perspectives. She notes, “We live in a disposable society where divorce is so readily accepted that people often overlook the discomfort that comes with working through struggles.”
So, we abandon our marriages for various reasons—financial strain, the desire for freedom, or that ever-tempting idea that something better awaits us, often portrayed as “the grass is greener.” But at what cost?
Soul Custody: Protecting Our Kids from Divorce
During a virtual event celebrating my book, *Soul Custody: Sparing Children from Divorce*, Dr. Gadhia-Smith shared her valuable insights. I penned this book as an urgent reminder of a harsh truth I’ve seen too many times: while we often think the obstacles in a marriage outweigh staying together for the kids, the reality is that staying actually offers them more. I experienced the pain of divorce firsthand, having given in too soon to the stress of my own situation. I hoped therapy and self-help would help break the cycle of divorce in my family, but I discovered that some hurdles feel insurmountable.
Dr. Gadhia-Smith offered a comforting perspective when she pointed out that navigating marital hardships can cloud your judgment, making it easy to forget the children’s feelings until the dust has settled. How odd is it that while parents are in a marriage, the kids often take a back seat, yet once separation occurs, parents suddenly claim to prioritize the kids? The phrase “the best interests of the children” is echoed from both sides during custody negotiations. If only couples could shift their focus to those best interests before reaching that point, we might see fewer families torn apart.
Staying For the Children
It’s vital to check in with yourself: Are your children truly the priority? Here are four questions to help you reflect:
1. How does my child feel about the possibility of separation?
2. What might the long-term effects of divorce be on my children, depending on their age?
3. Have I sought every possible resource to support my marriage?
4. Am I putting all the blame for our issues on my spouse, using that as an excuse to leave?
When the goal becomes “staying for the children,” it can change the conversation entirely. Instead of contemplating whether to stay or go, focus on how to make your marriage work. Judith Wallerstein, in her extensive study on divorce’s impact on children, concluded that, remarkably, an unhappy marriage can sometimes be less detrimental to kids than a divorce. “What’s best for parents isn’t always best for the children,” she pointed out. Wallerstein’s research—which highlights the long-lasting effects of divorce—demonstrates an unsettling truth: the impact accumulates and can cause more distress in adulthood.
Imagine the possibilities if parents prioritized their children’s needs over their own desires. What if they worked diligently to provide a stable and nurturing environment, even if it meant putting their own preferences aside? Wallerstein and her colleagues found that kids aren’t necessarily as adversely affected by marital conflict as they are by the rupture of divorce itself.
From my own experiences and those of families around me, it’s clear that shifting the focus from individual parents to what serves the family as a whole makes a measurable difference. When parents prioritize staying and working on their relationship for the sake of their children, they often find stronger family bonds emerge.
Image Source: Alkema Natalia / Shutterstock
